I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
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[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Tier 3 meme
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me, flirting😏
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.