“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
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Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six