[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
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What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.