why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
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My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.