Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
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Smallpox sounds so adorable
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.