You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
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Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
My last name is Zilla.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.