idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
when there are deer in the woods
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back