“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
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It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
🙂🙃🥹
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.