To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
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COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”