Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
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If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Still my favourite meme.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”