Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
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friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Bros before Ohioes
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.