Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
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I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.