4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
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Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when