Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
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me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.