5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
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I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
My whole life was a lie.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.