My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
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Just why bro?!
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
God has left this place
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*