Found the job I’m suited for
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My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline