Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
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I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.