9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
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Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,