My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
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“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.