Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
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I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.