My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
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cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.