Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
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Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Breaking news:
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I will never stop laughing at this
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.