I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
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Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Erm…
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I love twitter
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.