Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
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Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.