THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
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ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.