ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
You Might Also Like
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.