god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
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Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.