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Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Erm I’m gonna say no
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.