I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
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I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”