Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
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I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”