Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
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My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Gemma Correll
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.