2022 be like
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I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid