My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
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Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me