haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
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My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.