Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
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Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?