Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
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(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
thanksgiving in nutshell
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.