I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
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DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.