Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
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I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.