I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
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Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
The 6 types of sex
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Hell yeah 👍