Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
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Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes