Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
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I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
#CoronaOutbreak
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
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I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.