I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
You Might Also Like
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Still a very good boi….
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?