Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
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There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.