mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
You Might Also Like
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.