I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
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Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
There’s always that one guy
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.