If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
You Might Also Like
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies