When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
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I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Google assistant rules
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.