My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
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“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.