ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
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Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this: